Have you ever thought you just can’t get it right? You just keep trying, but failing. It happens, to the best of us. We find out that we are our own worst judge. I know in my case, I am my own worst judge! I always doubt myself, thinking I can’t do something or when I do accomplish something I usually convince myself that it’s not good enough, it could be better, no one will like it, or people will laugh. The list goes on and on.
In school I was an average student, really didn’t excel in anything and actually didn’t like school at all. My favorite subject if asked was art. That was my answer all the way thru to high school. I got the courage to audition for the school Christmas play in fifth grade. It was “The Nutcracker Suite” one of my favorites and I wanted to be in it. It was a big deal to be in the Christmas play at our school, not just to be in the show singing carols, but to be actually in the play was huge! After try outs I was given the role of one of the Arabian dancers. I was beyond excited! My grandmother, who was a tremendous seamstress had the task of making my costume. It was beautiful, white and bright green chiffon, with velvet ribbon trimming, it was going to be the prettiest costume on stage. You remember the show “I Dream of Jeannie” don’t you? My costume was prettier than Jeannie’s. I couldn’t wait to wear it on stage, I was so proud! A week or so before the play my teacher asked me to stay after class. As we all know, that was never a good sign! She sat me down and told me I couldn’t be in the play because my grades had dropped. Apparently, my excitement about being in the play had led to my slacking in the schoolwork department. The principle said he wouldn’t allow anyone whose grades dropped be in the play. She was a sweet teacher who I really liked, young and cool, and visibly upset telling me this horrible news. I honestly knew she had pleaded my case. I went home crying to my mother who proceeded to go to the school the following day and talk to the principle, but to no avail. He wasn’t budging. All I remember is that he offered to buy my costume for my replacement to wear in the play. My mother, informed him in no uncertain terms that if I wasn’t wearing that costume on stage, no one will. My beautiful Arabian dancer costume sat there unused. I felt ashamed. Unless. Not good enough. Even as a child, we can feel these things so deeply.
All through my life I have had times when I haven’t felt good enough, useless, judged myself too harshly. I would keep trying to get it right but there was always something in my way. Most of the time, it was myself. Who knew I was one of the things standing in my own way. But the biggest thing, I was listening to that little voice convincing me that I wasn’t good enough to write a blog, or to show my artwork, or step out in faith and do whatever! That little voice of the enemy that finds our weakness, like in me my doubt in myself, he sits there and taps his fingers waiting for the chance to whisper in your ear telling you how no good you are, how you can’t do that or how everyone will laugh at you. He sits back and waits, waits till you are excited about something, then starts his attack, slowly and methodically. He knows exactly how to get to you, what buttons to push and what to slip into your thoughts. But what’s so great is that we don’t have to accept this! We have the ability to fight back. To stand up for ourselves.
You know how we can tune out certain noises when kids are playing or when we are in a crowd we can tune out certain sounds? Well that’s what we need to do when that little voice starts whispering in our ear with self-doubt or confusion. Tune it out, turn it off! Don’t give the enemy that kind of control. Take it back and become stronger! Wear your Arabian dancer costume on your stage, proudly & confidently!!
Oh, I did finally wear my beautiful costume for the following Halloween. Best looking trick-or-treater in the neighborhood! 😉
Live, Laugh & Eat Healthy,
P.S. Just to show you how true this post is….I just spent thirty minutes kicking myself because of an error I made in posting this with a wrong picture. Little voice inside me saying, “see you don’t have a clue what you are doing, do you?” HA, take that! I fixed it and I won! 😛
Categories: Lessons From The Side Chair